Mom ruins daughter's wedding by crying and "speaking her truth" about the groom, bride refuses to forgive her despite family pressure: "She thinks I settled because he's not a doctor or lawyer like she wanted"

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  • 01

    AITA for refusing to forgive my mother after what she did at my wedding?

    "Everything is perfect... until the officiant asks if anyone has any objections.”
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    I got married three months ago, and my relationship with my mother has been on thin ice ever since. She has always been dramatic, but I never thought she'd go this far.
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    For context, my mom has never liked my husband. She thinks I "settled" because he's not a doctor or lawyer like she wanted. She made little comments throughout our engagement but promised to "behave" at the wedding. I trusted her.
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    Fast forward to the ceremony. Everything is perfect... until the officiant asks if anyone has any objections. My mother stands up.
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    She starts crying and saying she "just needs to speak her truth" before it's too late. She goes on about how she doesn't think my husband is "good enough" for me and how she's only doing this
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    because she loves me. Everyone is stunned. My dad (who is divorced from her) has to pull her away as I stand there in shock. My husband looks at me, waiting for me to say something, but I'm frozen.
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    Eventually, she leaves, and we continue the ceremony, but the damage is done. Half of my guests are whispering. My husband's family is
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    furious. I spend my reception smiling through tears. She sends a long text the next day saying she "only wanted to protect me" and that I was wrong for not hearing her out.
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    Now, my family is pressuring me to forgive her. They say she just had a "moment" and didn't mean to ruin my day. But I don't want to forgive her. I haven't spoken to her since, and she's acting like I'm the one breaking the family apart
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    TranWreckin I'd send a message to every single one of them is a mass text/email/whatever and let them know what she did was not ok, and if any of them side with her, it'll be the last time they hear from you. Then go no contact.
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    Flat Criticism6440 I would also suggest hosting a dinner party for his family to apologize for what happened. That she had no idea she would do that. And to hope they will welcome her as she has lost a lot of her family.
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    ChoiceExcitement27 This is the a great idea, especially because to his family she didn't defend him or said anything to the contrary at the moment, they don't know that OP was just literally frozen, brain cells and all.
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    Tulipsarered This would also confirm to your husband that you had no part in that and don't think that way at all, and agree that her behavior is as bad as they think it is (or more so).
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    To be clear, OP has nothing to apologize for. But it would go a long way to mend any frays in OP's relationship with their in-laws by providing the apology that Mom owes them and will never provide. Hopefully, their response will be something like, "Oh, no, Dear, YOU have nothing to apologize for!"
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    BecGeoMom I agree. Imagine people who did not get married that day, who did not have their wedding ceremony interrupted by the mother of the bride, who were not humiliated in front of all their wedding guests and their spouse's family telling
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    OP that she should forgive her mother and that she "just had a moment." Every one of them can go pound sand, OP, and you should say that to them. Your mother hasn't even apologized, has she? How do you forgive someone who won't apologize and doesn't feel regret for what she did?
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    No, you are NTA. Stay strong. You will probably find that your life is much calmer and happier without her in it. Congratulations on getting married!!
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    Both Reading1229 And remind them she promised to behave for the wedding. A promise SHE broke.
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    Used Clock_4627 After that??? First: I would disown myself from her circus. Second: Sit down with hubby and have a LONG talk and apologize for the 'deer in headlights' moment.
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    Third: Tell ANYONE who expects ME to apologize to the mom to eff right off a cliff. And take their monkeys with them. Fourth: Maybe find a friendly ear and get it all off my chest once and for all. Leave it in the past.
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    Edit for sp because apparently I can't today. Edit see stiggley's comment which should be third hands down!
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    Broad_Lab_9962 NTA nah she knew exactly what she was doing and did it anyway that's on her not you.
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    Usual-Canary-7764 I once warned my family that if anyone ever used the "speak now or forever be silent" option of a wedding for any of me or my siblings...they should be clear we would be moving from the location to a funeral coz no. Just no.
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    If you don't support a wedding then don't turn up. End of. It ain't you getting married. Let the two adults involved do them. You do u in your own space away from them.
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    Mom knew exactly what she was doing. She could have said it to OP before the wedding. If she did and was turned down...again she knew what she was doing.
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    If she did not do it before the wedding then she intentionally sabotaged the wedding coz if you care that much about someone...you warn them BEFORE they make a mistake they told you they would make...not during a wedding ceremony. What the h I??? NTA OP
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    Beth21286 She did it on purpose for attention. OP should just tell the family her mother is de d and anyone defending her can be considered the same.
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    Evening-Feature1153 Your mom is crazy. Never speak to her again.
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    arodomus She knew what she was doing, this wasn't a moment. What did she expect was gonna happen? She already told you how she felt before, and there you are still marrying him. Clearly she knew you weren't leaving him. Doing this was a calculated and evil act had had not place there. NTA. F her.
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    Pebbletale NTA she is very selfish and possibly a narcissist. Get counseling for yourself because you need to decide. your boundaries going forward.
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    mfruitfly NTA but I do think you need to handle this situation more proactively.
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    First, you need to apologize to your husband and make sure he understands your reaction or lack of reaction and that appreciate how humiliating that was for him. Now what your mom did isn't your fault, AT ALL, and I can totally appreciate that you froze,
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    and while you are also the victim, your husband was the real target and you two need to have a real heart to heart where you appreciate how deeply hurt he probably was by what your mom did and your lack of reaction. Sometimes apologizing/demonstrating understanding isn't about being wrong, simply supporting the other person.
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    Then the two of you should talk about what else he needs to feel supported and how to kind of reset/ smooth things over with his family. I start with this issue and approach because what happened on
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    your wedding day isn't going to go away even if you cut your mom off fully. That hurt/distrust/shame/ whatever will linger and unfortunately since it was your mom, you need to take the lead here and make sure your husband is good, and his family is good.
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    In talking to your husband, you can also ask what he wants in terms of communication with your mom. I would honestly not ever want my partner to communicate with the person who did that at my wedding again, and anything short of that would feel like a betrayal and asking me to be humiliated again
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    in the future. Sure time and circumstances could/will change, but that's how I'd feel for awhile at least. You and your husband together need to set really clear boundaries together- no communication with your mother, no being at events she has at for X time, or unless you both have a plan together, and how to decide if it can't be avoided.
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    Once you have all that settled, then you can tell your family to fully off. "My mother ruined my wedding day and damaged my relationship. Luckily my husband is a strong person and we love each other deeply, but I do not forgive my mother for what she
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    did, I have no interest in speaking about her, I will not be around her, and I will not be speaking to anyone about this further. Please respect my decision and if that means you do not invite me to things to be with her, that's fine, but also do not at all attempt to facilitate us speaking and I'd ask you let me know if you do plan on having her at something you are inviting me too."
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    Then stick with that. Simply do NOT communicate with anyone when they want to talk about your mom- excuse yourself, do not respond to the text, change the subject on the phone, and in general just say "you know I'm not talking about that, so you want to switch subjects or end the conversation."
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    joe-lefty500 Make sure your husband knows that you love him deeply. Tell your mom that you need some space from her and that you'll call her in 10 years. Then don't call her. She's awful. NTA

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